Tales from the Rural Patrol

(Editor’s note: Factual information for ‘Tales’ is provided by the Josephine County Sheriff’s Office. All persons listed are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law. Charges can be amended or dismissed.)

Sunday, July 31
*A tall, thin strawberry-blonde was trespassing and acting in a menacing manner near Sucker Creek Bridge and Holland Loop at 8:04 p.m.
*A grouch in the 600 block of Glendon Road was all shook up about his neighbor’s loud music at 8:23 p.m. When he was informed that the noise ordinance was 10 p.m., he grumbled that they shouldn’t be playing that music anyway.

Monday, Aug. 1
*There was a disturbance at 12:40 a.m. in the 100 block of S. Redwood Hwy., but conflicting stories made it difficult to determine the primary aggressor.
*At 9:34 a.m. a stolen U-Haul trailer and a Mossberg shotgun were recovered from the 1900 block of Thompson Creek Road.
*A bold gal did not consider herself to be a squatter in the 1200 block of N. Sawyer Avenue at 11:30 a.m. Her reasoning was that roads are public, so she should be allowed to camp.
*A fellow with a black backpack was trespassed from a market in the 200 block of N. Redwood Hwy., because he stole beer at 11 a.m.
*At 12:35 p.m., a guy with a black backpack took beer from Kerby Mart in the 24300 block of Redwood Hwy.
*A dozen security cameras were smashed in the 2000 block of Laurel Road on July 29. Criminal mischief charges for property damage were pursued after another camera was broken at 11:45 a.m.

Tuesday, Aug. 2
*Windows were broken from two vehicles parked near Illinois River Road Aug. 1. A blue backpack containing a phone, cash, ID and two credit cards was missing. The owner tracked her iPhone, but she did not feel safe retrieving it by herself.
*An employee discovered a scorched dumpster with a melted lid in the library driveway in the 200 block of W. Palmer Street at 9:28 a.m. Surveillance footage documented the pyro in action, and he was cited and released to appear in Josephine County Circuit Court (JCCC) Aug. 31 for reckless burning and second-degree criminal mischief.
*At 11 a.m. a shoplifter in the 25600 block of Redwood Hwy. narrowed his shopping opportunities, as he is now trespassed from three businesses in Illinois Valley.
*Sage Merlin Limberhand was taken into custody at 1:39 p.m. in the 100 block of S. Redwood Hwy. Limberhand had two misdemeanor warrants from Grants Pass Department of Public Safety (GPDPS) for failure to appear (FTA) for first-degree trespass and third-degree theft. He was cited and released to appear in JCCC Aug. 25.

Wednesday, Aug. 3
*A crook with long black hair tried to use a bungee cord to fish money from a night depository at Washington Federal Bank in the 100 block of S. Redwood Hwy., per a report at 10:36 a.m.

Friday, Aug. 5
*Two gals and a naked guy were fighting near Hwy. 199 and W. River Street at 1:52 p.m. (Get a room.)
*When a sunburned trespasser in the 300 block of N. Sawyer Avenue was confronted at 9:26 p.m., he claimed he could walk wherever he wanted, and he had work to do.

Saturday, Aug. 6
*On Aug. 5, a pot-eating pooch suffered a hemp-over after disgruntled tenants tossed homemade cannabis edibles over their neighbors’ fence in the 1400 block of Dick George Road. Nitrous cartridges and other garbage littered the property line.
*At 11:26 a.m. a resident in the 2000 block of Deer Creek Road reported a fraudster who stated that he won $3.3 million and a Denali pickup truck from Publishers Clearing House. Of course, he was supposed to pay $500 for a sweepstakes registration fee first.
*Window wipers and three windows were broken in a trailer in the 200 block of Fir Drive, according to a report at 11:59 a.m. Tools and cans were taken from the home Aug. 4.
*At 5:20 p.m. a fellow near West Side Road claimed his girlfriend hit him with a two by four and broke his arm. Her version was he grabbed her wrist and threw her to the ground, so she struck him with a two by two in self-defense. Both parties were advised of restraining order options. (Speak softly, but carry lumber?)

Thursday, Aug. 4
*Matthew Merrifield and Reann Brown had warrants when they were contacted near Schumacher Street and S. Kerby Avenue at 12:12 p.m. Merrifield was wanted by Josephine County Sheriff’s Office (JCSO) for felony probation violation for possession of controlled substance (PCS) heroin. Brown had misdemeanor warrants from JCSO for FTA for endangering the welfare of a minor, second-degree child neglect, and second-degree theft. Both were released and cited to appear in JCCC Aug. 31.
*A Dodge Ram truck lived up to its name when it crashed through a fence in the 600 block of Hays Cutoff at 12:41 p.m.
*A cleaning lady found burn marks on a table, and paint thinner and lye under a sink at a vacation rental home in the 500 block of Hummingbird Road at 1:47 p.m. The owner deduced that this meant they were making meth. He was advised that these substances are not used to manufacture meth, but he could perhaps recoup the costs of the burned table from the security deposit.
*Scott Allen Hoadley was wanted for fourth-degree assault when he was arrested at 9:37 p.m. in the 300 block of N. Hussey Avenue. Hoadley was cited and released to appear at JCCC Sept. 8.