(Editor’s note: Factual information for ‘Tales’ is provided by the Josephine County Sheriff’s Office. All persons listed are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law. Charges can be amended or dismissed.)
May 25
*At Redwood Hwy. and Greens Creek Rd. Daniela Chavez Hernandez, 25, was warned for driving uninsured and cited for not having a driver’s license.
*Alejandro Soto, 37, was coerced out of a trailer by taser point in the 300 block of Cherokee Lane for a parole violation.
May 26
*The driver of a white Honda was getting a little too zippy and got popped with a speeding ticket on Redwood Hwy. and Allen Creek Road.
*A red-headed woman was in the middle of the road yelling, screaming, and crying for help in the 2700 block of Midway Avenue. Upon arrival, deputies determined she was under the influence of something, and wasn’t making sense. Jessica Fox, 36, ended up getting arrested because she previously failed to appear on a charge of being a felon in possession of a firearm
*Neil Morris, 46, was arrested in the 100 block of San Francisco St. for being a violent jerk-face. He stopped his victim from calling 911 by grabbing her from behind and taking her phone after threatening to get his gun and shoot himself. A child overheard what was going on and jumped out of their bedroom window and hid in a Porta-Potty to call the cops. The juvenile was left with their grandparents, and the woman was referred to the Woman’s Crisis Center and given information about obtaining a restraining order. Morris was arrested for assault/domestic violence, and interfering with police. Don’t worry, ladies, he’s single now…hopefully. Run away, girl!
*An un-plated vehicle was stopped in the 100 block of Merlin Rd. and cited for driving uninsured.
*A red Subaru driver was in a big hurry and given a speeding ticket at Redwood Hwy. and Redwood Avenue. Their Golden Retriever was probably pressuring them to make it to the Birkenstock sale on the way to the farmer’s market.
*At New Hope Rd. and Teel Ln., someone in a blue minivan was ticketed for speeding.
May 28
*Oops! Someone in a black Kia ran a red light in front of the po-po in the 100 block of Galice Road. They don’t like it when you do that.
*Griffin Ferrara, 27, was driving his Ford like a Ferrari in the 300 block of Arbor Ridge Dr. and was promptly taken to the sobering center and charged with reckless driving and a DUII.
May 29
*At Galice Rd. and Hugo Rd. someone crashed into the bushes to avoid hitting a deer. They were cited to appear in court on reckless driving and eluding the police charges.
*An unidentified driver was warned for having no front license plate, no registration, and no insurance, but cited for DWS.
*Ian Derek Berry, 39, was trespassed for one year at a location in the 300 N. Sawyer Ave. neighborhood and arrested for FTA, parole violation, and providing false information to police.
May 30
*Just two days after being arrested, Griffin Ferrara, 27, was again arrested for DUII and reckless driving in the 5000 block of Monument Drive. It might be a good time to reflect on your bad choices, Griff.
*At Merlin Rd. and Allman Way, Robert Ferreira, 36, was given a citation for DWS and warned for failing to renew his registration.
May 31
*Ashley Faulkner, 29, crashed her car near Highland Ave. and Lloyd Drive. She was taken to the pokey for DUII and reckless driving.
*A gaggle of thieves were busted out on the 3800 block of Holland Loop Road. Joshua Downing, 50, was booked on charges of theft, burglary, and trespassing. Julie Love, 45, was arrested on the same charges, as was Marc Edwards, 49, but Sage Williams, 26, was only charged with trespassing and theft. The report was unclear, but shenanigans were happening. What’s the difference between burglary and theft, Alex?
*On a much more boring note, John Steel, 50, was ticketed for DWS and warned about an obscured license plate.
I guess that’s everything for this week. Maybe more people will be stupid enough to make fun of next week. Thanks for tuning into the Illinois Valley News funny papers!