Tales from the Rural Patrol

(Editor’s note: Factual information for ‘Tales’ is provided by the Josephine County Sheriff’s Office. All persons listed are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law. Charges can be amended or dismissed.)

Sunday, Dec. 18
*At 10:32 a.m. a damsel claimed to be in distress in the 100 block of S. Sawyer Avenue, but she hung up on dispatchers. She also cried wolf Dec. 16 from the 300 block of Schumacher Street.
*Citizens prevented an intoxicated woman from driving in the 200 block of W. Watkins Street at 11:59 a.m. The gal in a pea-green hoodie tried to buy alcohol at two different stores, then locked her Honda SUV and walked away.

Monday, Dec. 19
*A man, 50, was deceased at 9:30 a.m. in the 100 block of Deer Creek Road.
*At 10:59 a.m. a caller reported a daughter had been missing from the 100 block of Hogue Drive since Dec. 15. She was last seen wearing a red Elmo bodysuit.
*Grinches in flannel shirts stole three packages from a porch in the 600 block of Frederick Court at 1:49 p.m. The thieves appeared to be following the UPS truck in an older-model green Ford Explorer.
*A short gal in a camo jacket and ball cap tested her skills by throwing a rock through the back window of a truck near Finch Road and Westside Road at 2:18 p.m. She already has a misdemeanor warrant from Josephine County Sheriff’s Office (JCSO) for failure to appear (FTA) for second-degree criminal mischief.
*Dispatchers received a report of a crazy bald guy in Cave Junction who was menacing women and jumping in front of cars in the 100 block of S. Redwood Hwy. at 3:09 p.m. The caller also mentioned flocks of scavengers that rob the donation site for a thrift store, and a few choice rednecks who try to run down homeless individuals.
*At 3:24 p.m. a resident in the 3100 block of Lakeshore Drive did not appreciate people who flew a helicopter over her house and shined lights into her windows. She believes they are the same culprits who destroyed motion sensor lights and left bags of poison in her septic tank. When she asked if she could shoot somebody if they came onto her property, she was referred to Oregon Revised Statutes (ORS) regarding deadly physical force.

Tuesday, December 20
*A fellow received an earthquake alert and drove to the 200 block of S. Redwood Hwy. at 2:58 a.m. His safe zone was shattered when a gal smashed his back window with a golf club. She claimed she did so because he revved his engine and drove towards her. The warrior woman was instructed to let JCSO handle situations, and she agreed to pay for the damages.
*The bottomless broad was on the loose again in the 100 block of S. Redwood Hwy. at 8:36 p.m.
*Vandalism to property in the 500 block of Waldo Road was reported Dec. 20 at 7:28 p.m. Living room and bedroom furniture, two TVs, a refrigerator, bathtubs, toilets, sinks, walls, the roof, and floors were damaged or stolen.
*A miscreant in a black hoodie, hat and mask stole money from a register, then took an employee’s wallet from Ray’s Food Place Selma at 9:46 p.m.

Wednesday, Dec. 21
*A hijacked manlift was recovered in the 100 block of Turnagain Drive at 10:24 a.m.
*Doors and a window were damaged, and a clawfoot bathtub was stolen from the 6000 block of Rockydale Road at 11:16 a.m.
*A gal in a black and gray 1997 Isuzu Trooper didn’t know where she was, but she claimed that she had been assaulted and was unable to leave at 11:59 a.m. Rapid SOS gave the 100 block of Deer Creek Road as the location.
*A blue Dodge Caravan with a disabled veteran plate was removed from the 100 block of N. Old Stage Road at 2:29 p.m.

Thursday, Dec. 22
*A woman was deceased in the 200 block of Honeybee Lane at 1:47 a.m.
*Mail theft was reported in the 17600 block of Redwood Hwy. at 8:19 a.m.
*A guy faced consequences at 12:24 p.m. He needed to catch a shuttle, but the bus stop was on property in the 33000 block of Redwood Hwy. where he was trespassed.
*An unwelcome visitor refused to leave the 100 block of S. Sawyer Avenue until a resident fired three warning shots into the ground at 3:11 p.m.
*The mystery of the recent pants-less phenomenon has been solved. This ground-breaking analysis was demonstrated in the 24500 block of Redwood Hwy. by a gal in dire need of toilet paper at 3:51 p.m.
*A FedEx package was removed from the 400 block of Kinnikinnick Drive at 6:01 p.m. The eggheads should be crowing with delight over their bag of chicken feed.
*An inebriated individual complained that a gal had her way with him, then set him loose in the 300 block of S. Redwood Hwy. at 7:46 p.m. He was concerned that she would leave with his tools that were in her vehicle. (Speaking of tools.)

Friday, Dec. 23
*The gas lines/fuel tank were damaged on an Oregon Department of Human Services vehicle near the 500 block of E. River Street between December 14-21.
*Bumbling thieves stole a non-operative 1988 Toyota 4Runner from the 900 block of Crooks Creek Road at noon.
*A self-destructive guy in a plaid shirt jumped in front of vehicles near Rockydale Road and Waldo Road at 5:23 p.m.

Saturday, Dec. 24
*At 8:34 a.m. an employee at Bruno’s Cavern discovered that her car window was broken, and her wallet was stolen from the 100 block of S. Redwood Hwy. Her credit card was used at Fast Break Smoke Shop, and the low-life thieves purchased at least three carts full of items from Dollar General. They drove away in an older white Ford F150 with Oklahoma plates and a ‘Let’s Go Brandon’ sticker. Security camera provided documentation for unlawful use of a credit card, and the investigation continues.
*A man with a fishing/fileting knife in a sheath on his hip became aggressive and performed karate moves when he was caught shoplifting chips, wine, and a Fiskars switch blade saw/knife from Ray’s Food Place Selma at 11:40 a.m. Zachary Oron Inlow was charged with first-degree trespass and third-degree theft and detained in Josephine County Jail (JCJ).
*Several people were fighting over a confrontation with a shoplifter in the 25600 block of Redwood Hwy. at 12:05 p.m. One guy lifted his shirt as if he had a gun in his waistband, and an intoxicated fellow was punched in the face when he attempted a citizen’s arrest. Who knows if they’ve been bad or good, it’s the Hood, for goodness’ sake.