Tales from the Rural Patrol

(Editor’s note: Factual information for ‘Tales’ is provided by the Josephine County Sheriff’s Office. All persons listed are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law. Charges can be amended or dismissed.)

Sunday, Aug. 21
*A driver accidentally scratched a vehicle parked near Illinois River Road at 10:17 a.m. When she tried to provide her insurance information, two punks threatened her and demanded $700, so she left and notified Josephine County Sheriff’s Office (JCSO).
*Three hooligans with trash bags and a hammer damaged the door of Bud Junction in the 24300 block of Redwood Hwy. The manager sent videos of the blooming criminals, ages 5-9, to JCSO at 10:31 a.m.
*A very thin gal in a heavy black jacket was removing covers from green electrical boxes in the 200 block of Shadowbrook Way at 2:09 p.m. The ‘Frequent Flyer’ was yelling about having a license to do heavy drugs.
*A generous gal in the 300 block of Aquarius Way schmoozed her neighbors with wine and chocolate. However, it was a foliage faux pas when she delivered Angel Trumpet, a toxic plant, at 4 p.m.
*A shoplifter was caught on video when she pilfered a blue Powerade from CJ 76 Gast Station Car Wash in the 100 block of S. Redwood Hwy. at 5:1 p.m. (Need evidence? Check her tongue.)

Monday, Aug. 22
*Slobs left food and dirty clothes, along with broken glass and hair dye in the hot tub and pool area at Cedar Brook Homes Gated Community in the 400 block of Laurel Road at 11:43 a.m.
*A husband and wife were arguing loudly near Mallard Loop at Lake Selmac, but everything was just ducky at 12:32 p.m.
*At 3:12 p.m. a daughter checked on her father’s property in the 35000 block of Redwood Hwy. and discovered a huge active marijuana grow, along with two RVs, three working and two non-operative vehicles. When she took a picture, one man grabbed a gun, so she left.
*Chainsaws and a weed-eater were stolen from the 24300 block of Redwood Hwy. July 8, according to a report at 3:33 p.m.
*JCSO received calls at 1:51 and 5:16 p.m. regarding unwelcome campers from Earth People’s Park who have migrated to the 200 block of Farris Lane.
*A resident in the 100 block of E. O’Brien Street was irritated because his neighbor rubbed poison oak on his fence, and he is very allergic. (Dr. Margaret in Takilma has homeopathic remedies.)

Tuesday, Aug. 23
*JCSO did not consider a 2×4 in the roadway to be an appropriate method to slow traffic near Holland Loop and Kendall Road at 8:08 a.m. (Good try.)
*At 9:22 a.m. a citizen near the 24000 block of Redwood Hwy. complained about Sasquatches whooping it up in Big Foot Tavern.

Wednesday, Aug. 24
*A guy needs to clean up his cans or take them elsewhere after a cashier in the 100 block of Deer Creek Road refused to count them at 11:09 a.m.
*A fellow wanted assistance in retrieving items from the 900 block of Lakeshore Drive at 11:21 a.m. His wish list included his bike, motorcycle, propane tank and motorhome.
*Folks in the 200 block of Pine Tree Way paid $1,231 as a deposit for a company to transport their belongings to Florida. Come moving day, the swindlers were no-call, no-show, and their phone numbers were not working at 1:44 p.m.
*A fellow in a gray Hawaiian shirt tried to hit people with a hatchet in the 200 block of W. Watkins Street at 3:08 p.m. A bystander with a gun convinced him to set down his weapon. Timothy Rain Davis had a felony warrant from Grants Pass Department of Public Safety (GPDPS) for unlawful use of a weapon, third-degree robbery, unauthorized entry into motor vehicle (UEMV), and second-degree theft. JCSO wanted Davis for a misdemeanor warrant for failure to appear (FTA) for first-degree criminal trespass and third-degree theft. Davis was detained in Josephine County Jail (JCJ) for the warrants, with additional charges of unlawful use of weapon, first-degree criminal trespass, harassment and menacing.
*A shop and tool shed in the 900 block of Greenview Drive were burglarized at 4:31 p.m. Missing items include power equipment, a flatbed trailer, toolboxes, Milwaukee tools, and a red Arctic Cat 500 with front bucket and black pull-behind trailer.
*A klepto stole two CO2 tire inflators and a blue Mountain Dew, then shoved a cart over a customer’s foot at Dollar General in the 25600 block of Redwood Hwy. at 4:41 p.m.
*Thieves broke into Ray’s Food Place in the 100 block of Deer Creek Road at midnight. They raided the dumpster for food and recycle items, and took a brush cutter, pressure washer and gas can.

Thursday, Aug. 25
*Law enforcement chased a pig and a dog through the woods from the road in the 22100 block of Redwood Hwy. at 7:15 a.m.
*The hog days of summer continued when three pigs chewed grapes and vegetation in the 500 block of Briar Lane at 7:40 a.m.
*Jeffrey James Castle Bryant had a misdemeanor warrant from JCSO for FTA for two counts each of animal abandonment and animal neglect. Bryant was arrested in the 200 block of Caves Hwy. at 10:28 a.m., then released and cited to appear in Josephine County Circuit Court (JCCC) Sept. 28.
*A young child suffered injuries to her arm after a dirt-biker took her for a ride and crashed near Still Water Way and Rockydale Road at 9:45 p.m.

Friday, Aug. 26
*A resident in the 200 block of Simmons Cut Drive was ‘freaked out’ about a drunk guy throwing rocks at a (four-legged) cougar at 12:20 a.m.
*At 12:32 a.m. a citizen in the 400 block of Logan Cut Drive was told to stay inside after she reported the cougar and intoxicated man.
*A man in baggy clothes was yelling in the 400 block of Fernwood Drive at 12:41 a.m. (He probably wasn’t calling ‘Here kitty, kitty’.) There was no further noise at 12:58 a.m.
*There was something fishy about missing boat keys in the 3200 block of Deer Creek Road at 6:36 p.m.

Saturday, Aug. 27
*A citizen was maced by a loiterer in the 200 block of W. River Street at 1:01 a.m.
*Windows were broken, and several items were stolen from a truck parked in the 24300 block of Redwood Hwy. at 3:26 p.m. The list includes Danner boots, tools, a suitcase, and debit card. The reporting party saw a long-hair fellow wearing shorts and his boots at a gas station in Kerby.